mad_natter

Right, so I haven't updated this in a really really long time, and now that I'm in need of something else to proc soc with I'm going to bore you all with my mundane writing once again and will probably start writing in this thing more often, because boredom has set in once again and it isn't even holidays yet.

I've got two exams left, Psych 102 and Classics. They're on saturday and monday, so I still have time and yet I really feel like I should be studying my bum off again. I've written three so far, and they seem to have gone well, but because of my histry with exams I'm not getting my hopes up or thinking anything good. They're over, I worked hard for them and now what will be will be. Otherwise in the past months nothing much has really changed. I'm still dating Daniel, its been 7 and a bit months now and I'm still very happy. :) I'm not going to go all mushy and prattle on about how wonderful he is because I think I've done enough of that in other posts already.

I still work at Gino's and its actually wonderful, I love it. I'm going to miss working there when I go on holiday and I miss working there now when I'm only given one shift because I'm writing exams. Clive is leaving at the end of this month, he's one of the managers, and everyone is going to miss him, well, I know I will even though we're hardly ever nice to each other. Its going to be sad without him and the other manager is probably leaving as well at some point and the restaurant is going to fall to pieces. I can just see it. I'm trying not to deal with the fact that everyone seems to be leaving at the end of this year, all the friends that I made last year that have stuck. Bs, Kindred, Tally, Kronis, mm1za, and other people, and out of the two people in res I still talk to in res one is leaving to move into digs and I'll probably never see her again. I've made new friends this year, and have been trying to spend time with them to make them my real friends but the truth is that they're Daniel's friends, and I'm afraid that if we break up I'll be left all alone. It'll be like it is with the guys I spent all of last year with before Stuart and I broke up, we had great times together and I was one of the guys but then they moved into digs and Stuart and I broke up and all of a sudden they say hi when they walk past but thats the end of that. Nothing more. I guess its to be expected really, I don't see it as choosing sides I'm just worried that something will happen between Daniel and I and I'll lose one of my best friends and the new friends I've made.

I know I'll still see the people, or at least I hope I will, its just the fact that won't be part of my tiny little world anymore. Thats probably one of the things thats been getting me down the most lately. The end of this year feels like the end of an era. I know they're not dying or anything and that we'll still talk it still gets to me though and I think I've probably been spending more time with the people that are staying because its easier than saying goodbye. So thats been keeping me quite emo lately as well.

I also had a breakthrough the other day concerning Stuart, and it basically went "what the fuck was I thinking". I had good times with him, and I will always love him, I shared things with him that I won't share with anyone else, and I don't mean secrets or anything sexual. Just experiences. I realised that he never actually gives anything back though. He always just takes and expects me to keep giving, I don't want material things or anything but maybe just a little bit of effort on his part that means he's actually adding something to the relationship. It can't always be 50/50. I understand that but when its mostly all coming from my part it just becomes a bit much, and the other night when he wasn't even willing to listen to me talk I realised that. I can't be friends with him if he's just going to keep sucking me dry. It still kinda hurts though. Maybe it shouldn't, maybe it should, at the moment I'm just dealing with it really.

At the moment I just want to go home, get cuddled by my mommy and be able to properly hide from the world with my family.

On a better note I haven't cut myself since december last year, I've had one slip and thats all and didn't do it again and I'm quite proud of myself. I haven't picked up other habits to compensate for it or anything. yay me?

I can't really give you day by day break down of the last I don't know how many months but thats the stuff thats important to me at the moment. Even if most of it is emo and disgusting. Oh well.

Last night was quite fun really.

Sam, Al, Nick, Nicky and I went to the Blue Goose, and jammed along to some very good, very old rock music. Most of the usuals were there and we were greeted with the usual "hey, hey! The rent-a-crowd is here!" Thats what we are called there, because we end up getting quite rowdy. They played Chuck Berry, Led Zeppelin, and a whole lot of others. It was pretty awesome. Had a shot of Tequila and it went down really really badly, no idea why, but it really did. Was horrible.

Got home at about midnight, maybe a little later and spent about 3 hours talking to my Toaster. The amount we talk to each other is really quite scary, its about five hours everyday. Its really fun. I'm so glad we still have things to talk about.

Woke up today, and didn't really do much other than talk to my toaster, find out all of the drama thats been going on, what with all the over-reacting, raging, and stupidity going around. basically:

• Kath slept at Dane's place
• Toaster read this in Kath's live journal
• Toaster told his friend Matt that she slept at Dane's place and that he was worried about Dane, livejournal was not mentioned or shown...
• Matt raged at Dane
• Dane went to Kath
• Kath raged at Toaster and defriended him
• Toaster rages about Kath leading Dane on and possibly hurting him... AGAIN
• Kath rages concurrently about being violated

So yeah. Its a really really interesting story, its really really really dramatic and to me seems to be quite silly. I'm probably going to end up stepping on people's toes by posting this but its my journal and if you don't like what you read, don't read it.

It seems to me like everything has been blown out of proportion on this one.

Everyone has friends, and the ones that they are closer to are under protection. If they see something going wrong, or something that they're worried about they're going to say something!! Its a friends job! People aren't going to just sit by, and even if it is not business that concerns them directly, friends always concern other people. Its the way life works! Get over it!!

Anyway, thats the end of my speel, other than that my eeepc stopped working today, well rather, it would hang every time I tried to open a program. So after freaking out a little bit I got hold of chris and he helped me out, and we figured out that it was Avast, which I installed a couple of days ago. So uninstalled that and now it works perfectly again. Chris is officially a super hero. :D

Other than that I had a nap and didn't do much else, have been bumming around all day, has been awesome.

Sorry if I offended anyone with this entry, and like I said before, its my journal I can say what I like, and I'm not meaning to offend anyone.

Last night was an interesting one, I got back from the shrink and was so tired I just passed out, I then got woken up at half past seven by my gay boyfriend, Al. Who told me to get up, get out of bed, and get into the bath that he was running for me. As confused as I was I did like he said, with much mumbling and grumbling on the way because I would rather have been asleep. So anyway, went into the bathroom, got stripped by Al and put into the bath. At this point I'm very very confused. Anyway, so he then pulls out a razor and his shaving cream and tells me that he's going to  shave my legs for me. :O A very confused face was my only answer. He grabbed my legs and started shaving them. He seemed to have a lot of fun with it, I must admit I was slightly shocked. So anyway, he then sat on the floor and waited for me to finish bathing, and when I was done he pulled me out of the bath, took me back to my room and told me to get dressed. I grumbled but got dressed anyway, I had so far realised that he was worried about me cutting myself and thats why he was shaving my legs for me. After I was dressed he pulled out a pair of slippers... They used to be blue, but he painted them red and put glitter on them, and told me to put them on and so my thing. So I clicked my heels three times and said there's no place like home, and when I opened my eyes again I was still in my room (shock horror). He then went on about how this is my home too and that everyone here loves me and that certain things come with the territory when you come home and especially when you live in this house. He told me how worried about me he was and how he didn't want me doing anything stupid and all that, and then told me that he's been reading my livejournal for the past 4 months, keeping track of me and making sure I'm ok.

No wonder he knew about the red slippers and my feeling awful. I reassured him that I wasn't going to do anything stupid and as much as last year was a complete and utter fuck up for me. emotion wise I'm actually better now. I'm on meds, I'm stable, I'm working and I'm not cutting.

I didn't know he's been so concerned about me.

I have however realised that I have some of the best friends in the world. Here and in gtown.

I love you Al, and I don't know what I would do without you.

OMG
If I have to hear anymore about bloody weddings I'm going to kill myself. Its only in like two years time!
GOSH

*sigh* Just one week of holiday left and I can't wait for it to end, as strange as it sounds. I'm not really happy here and stuff has been getting to me alot. I've been fighting urges a lot, mostly to hurt myself, so have given up on shaving as TMI as that might be, it keeps me away from the razors and thats more important that not looking like a scary French woman. I hate the fact that I'm having difficulty fighting it at the moment, and I know its because of being at home. It kinda sucks here sometimes, I'm sick of being stuck in the house, having to ask for lifts, having to deal with all sorts of other stuff, and as much as it sounds wrong, I sometimes like just being selfish, and I can't be that here. I can in gtown. I have a home and a life there where I don't have to worry about certain things.

It was my dad's birthday yesterday, I didn't see him, didn't wish him, and haven't made any plans to see him this holiday at all. He hasn't really made any effort either though. He hasn't emailed me, phoned, smsed or anything. I guess we just stay away from each other these days, because he doesn't understand me and I don't like him. I don't feel bad about not having a connection with him or not talking to him. It makes my life easier not having him around. I do however worry about that fact that I should feel bad. I should, and I just dont. The things I feel about him are hardly warm and fuzzy, in fact, they're pretty horrid, and I just don't care. He can go and live his life on his own little mission as long as it means he isn't part of mine.

This holiday has already been far too long, and as much as I'm enjoying spending time with my mommy I just want to get back now. I wish I had a pair of sparkley red slippers, a puppy, and my name was dorothy so that I could click my heels together and say "there's no place like home" 3 times, and *poof* I'd be back in Kansas. Well, Gtown in this case. I miss everyone there so much, and the place too.

I hate it here at the moment, and I don't know why. I've been feeling so silly and emo all the time, and I blame the evil shrink of evilness, hopfully it'll have gone away before I get back to gtown because I feel sorry for the people that have to deal with me then.

I know I can talk to my mom about it and everything, and I have. A little, but I just can't too much. She has so many other things to worry about I don't want her worrying about me too. She keeps asking me if I'm happy to be home and all I can really say is yes, because I don't want to hurt her.

Urgh

I hate this feeling.

The last few days have been uneventful.
I'm missing my muppet (toastie) terribly, I knew I was attached to him but didn't realise that I would turn into a gooey, mushy mess as well. Spoke to him on the phone earlier though which was awesome. I feel like I'm kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place, because I want to get back to gtown, see my friends, go out and enjoy the life I have there, and on the other hand I'm wondering if I should be there at all.

My mom is in a really bad space at the moment because of all the household stress that comes with living with Steph, and the fact that the business isn't working out, living on a teachers salary and possibly not having a job after June. She's contemplating going back to the UK again, and I think its a good idea and at the same time I'm not sure it is. Not only because I'm worried about how it will affect me but also because the last time she came back she had no will to live and wanted to kill herself. I don't want that happening again. I can handle myself since I'm better now and stable etc. I can't handle an upset and fucking out mommy. I'm the only person she can actually talk to this stuff about because every time she says something about anything to Steph a fight ensues. Which usually starts with mom crying and Steph talking at her and ends in mom crying and Steph giving up and not talking to her at all. Its really great for family communication. So at this point I'm really really worried about my mom. Should I really be in Gtown when where she needs me the most is here? At least if I was here I could get a better job and help support her. Then the selfish side of me comes out and says (in a whiney voice) "but you love gtown, its your home, your life is there, your family is there and you have a degree to finish." Which is true, and since this year is paid for already I can't leave. I don't want to, and I won't. I will however try and organise some mid-term visits so that I can help my mom out more.

Am also looking for a job gtown side so that my mom doesn't have to give me pocket money every month and then if I earn enough to cover the amount she gives me, I can send some money back to her as well. Now I just actually need to find a job which may be slightly difficult, but come hell or high water I will get a job. I have to. I can't sponge off her any longer. I should be self sufficient by now and I will be.

I also had an appointment with my shrink today, which started out with us talking about varsity and how its going and the strange things that happen, we spoke about Stuart, and what had been happening with him last term, and I told her about my muppet. Then she basically put me into a visualisation trance. I first had to visualise my life room. Its my room, and its full of me. The light I am, every experience I've ever had, pictures up on the wall, a really comfy couch, and all sorts. The geek side obviously put its two cents in because there was an imac in the corner... Yes sad I know, but its one of the ways I keep records. It was my room, and it was awesome. She then got me to visualise myself in a strong bubble of protection etc, and to see who is attached to it, as if by ambilical cords. My mom's attachment was the largest one and a lot of other people were there. The people that mean more than anything in the world to me. She then told me to look at how I viewed the connection I had with Stuart. Did he give anything back? Was he just taking? Was it worth keeping him attached? She said I could either cut him off completely, limit the amount I give to him, or put a kind of valve in, and I decided that he gives nothing. Absolutely Nothing. He just takes, like a leech, and so I took out my very large, medieval axe, and I cut him off. The cord was severed and he went floating off into the distance. It was really quite liberating.

The one thing I did however notice was the fact that although all of my friends, dear people and family were there. One person was missing. My dad. He wasn't connected. He wasn't there at all. Of course Karin (my shrink) found this very interesting asked whether I wanted the connection to be there and wanted to create on or whether I was ok with not having one at all. I don't think  I actually want one. I know it sounds terrible, but he doesn't really give anything to my life, and I haven't spoken to him in a while. Don't think it would really kill me if I didn't speak to him for a while more.

Anyway, back to my trancey, hippy, drugless, visualisation. I was then told to step out of my room and onto a stage, and sitting in the audience were all the people who had taken power from me in my life. The most visible people in the audience were Steph and my dad. I made a speech, took my power back and got off the stage. I then went back into my room and was told that it is a safe place. No one is allowed there without the express permission of me. Since the room contains everything I've ever experienced, felt, done, etc.

I must admit that I can't really remember what happened at the very end other than I was told to count back from 3 to 1 and then come out of it feeling refreshed and awake. (hypnotisation anyone?) Well anyway, I came out of it, and felt really freaked and thinking "wow awesome ride man". Then as I stood up everything went slightly lopsided. I got back to the car without freaking Karin out or passing out and promptly freaked my mom out instead. I was completely and utterly zoned. Completely. I haven't been that out of it in a very very long time. On the drive home I felt like I was going to puke and was apparently a wonderful shade of green, which is what is supposed to happen, for me at least, when I get rid of stuff and work through things like I did today, I have a tendency to puke my guts up. It hasn't happened yet but I'm still not feeling 100% on the whole nausea side. Anyway, I got home and was promptly asked what drugs I was on because I was so out of it and got put to bed by my mommy, and came out of it a little later thankfully.

I then hermitted myself in my room and watched buffy and tried to conquer my emo feelings. Its not working so well atm, but oh well.

Other than that I went to movies on Tuesday night and was shocked once again at the price of movie tickets in this place, Jo'burg that is. We went to see Monsters vs. Aliens 3D. Yes thats right 3D. I didn't however know that 3D movie tickets are now R65. R65!!!!! Its utter madness I tell you. Well anyway, the woman at the counter did a sneaky sneaky for us and gave us the tickets at normal price, and half the normal price for the people with vitality cards and the like, but, back to my earlier statement. R65 a ticket!!!! MADNESS I TELL YOU!! MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :O

I ordered a new laptop on monday as well, because my Dell is dying. So am getting the Asus, eeepc 904HD. I'm pretty excited actually. It arrived today and I'll be picking it up tomorrow. No idea how Steph is going to handle me having a new laptop though. We haven't even told her about the external hard-drive I bought a few weeks back because we think she'll freak. Oh yeah! I'm so looking forward to that! *hears a drip of sarcasm in the background*

Other than that nothing interesting has been happening at all.
I think I'm going to go and curl up in bed with a sandwich and watch Buffy before I go to sleep.

So, time for another update...
I'm back home in Jo'burg and not really feeling it that much I won't lie. I was so excited for the end of term and seeing my mom but home is kinda just getting on my nerves. It may just be because I'm cranky and tired but I dunno. I'm also sick of hearing about bloody wedding stuff. I mean really now, Steph is getting married in about a year and a half, maybe two years, and since I've been back its been wedding, wedding, wedding and not much else. It's very tiring. I guess thats because I've never really been one of those girls. I can be girly and all that but I've hardly dreamt about my dream wedding, don't care if its in a magistrates court and don't really see the point of all the fuss.

Its been really nice seeing my mom though. She's been missing me terribly and I've missed her too, so seeing her again and having a mommy cuddle is the best. I've also seen all the rest of my working parts, which includes Sam, Al and Nicky and even though I'm tired of seeing them now it was really awesome seeing Al at the bus station at 8 in the morning (thats early for him). The bus ride was kinda awful. The bus ended up braking down, broken fan belt and all that, so it was late, but it doesnt really matter, I got enough sleep. Even if I'm pretty cranky right now. I'll catch up on the rest of the sleep later.

And now for the shocking part that you all saw coming, even if I didn't. I'm dating Toaster. Yes, we are together. we ended up kissing on wednesday night and well, yeah. I'll leave it up to his lj entry to fill in all the details. I'm still in shock to a certain extent, I really am. I knew I liked him and all that and we've been very good friends for a while, but when it happened it was a definate brainsplosion. I'm really extremely happy now. He makes me all squishy, its quite gross really. *goes all pink and shiney again*.

Other than that, nothing interesting has been happening, am waiting for the hols to end, as strange as its sounds... since they've only just begun, but hey.

Timmy is seemingly not very impressed with me, which I'm not really suprised about but anyway, I don't think he was really expecting me to move on after the talk he gave me during the last hols, and I'm really not interested now. I distanced myself from him this last term for a reason and its over. Officially.

So thats about it really. My head is still spinning, I'm all pink and shiney and I'm loving the mommy cuddles.

*cuddles to everyone*

Oh, and I miss my Toaster... already, its quite bad actually.

Oh, and go to ccmixter.org it are really awesome.

The last few weeks have been crazy, and I realised that since I've been back I haven't really updated my LJ. So here goes.

I've turned into a party animal. Its true. I go out every wednesday, and friday, and almost every saturday. Not the mention other days of the week that end in the letter y. Its not really a bad thing though. I'm really enjoying it. I'm still getting to all of my lectures. I'm not behinf on work, and I'm doing just great. Only downside is that I'm now officially broke. Its almost the end of the month though so thats ok, and half of next month I'm at home. Which is a lot less expensive.

My partner in crime is of course. THE TOASTER!!! :) he comes out with me and dances with me and its really quite awesome. We're kaif buddies too. (I've really become quite attached to him, but sshhh, dont tell him ;))

Other than getting my exercise from dancing my ass off on wednesdays and saturdays. I've been going to leccies and getting work done. Wrote a law test on the 18th and it was spectacular (she says holding thumbs that it isn't a "histry spectacular") I really think I did well and I'm loving law, which I think my entire family is finding amazing. I find it interesting and well... Just plain awesome.

Classics has gotten a little boring lately but the work is still ok. I'm enjoying the stuff, just not the lecturer so much, and HAM is good too. The shitty lecture times just get to me a little.

I spend so much time at the kaif that people now expect to see me there and either take a detour to come past and say hi (Tally today) or
phone me and ask me where the hell I am. Its quite un-nerving. I'm thinking about moving back to my room and spending frees here. (like thats gonna happen).

Anyway, Nothing else really interesting has been happening lately. I've been feeling a little like everything is falling apart, but only really started feeling that way when I started having that joyful visit from aunty rose that comes every month. So I'm blaming it on March and the fact that its hormone time. Hormones running wild is always fun!! :D (*koff*)

It was really really awesome seeing Tally, BS and Chris on Friday, even though there was some tension it felt like after a long separation we were finally back together again. For me at least. I then had quite a big cry when I got home because I realised they're all leaving at the end of this year and I'm being left behind. At least they're all in the vicinity of Jo'burg though so I can at least see them during vacs. I won't lie though, that doesn't make it suck any less in my head.

I also realised today that I've gone almost exactly three months since the last time I hurt myself. Yay me! Granted I've punched a few things, but that was in anger and not to hurt myself. So yay! maybe I'm overcoming it for the moment. As much as I still get my twitches sometimes I just ignore them and try and do something else and then look back on it later to see what brought it on, and I'm working on getting rid of those things in my life. Which is probably going to be easier said than done but thats ok. 

I got a really pretty western digital external harddrive yesterday too. With my mommy's permission and its so awesome. 160 gigs and tiny. Pretty. Light. and on top of all of that it doesn't even need an external power source. I can like to be very happy with it so far, and with a three year warranty I'm glowing ;)

I rate it was a good choice. :D

Other than that, there is no news. Love life is non-existant and as much as I'm wanting cuddles desperately and to just be with someone I think I'm going to stay single for a while. I don't think I'm really ready for another relationship just yet. Not after everything that has happened.

I'll just stick to going out with Toastie and dancing my heart out feeling safe in the knowledge that I have awesome friends and an awesome family. I don't particularly feel like being messed with at the moment. but hey.

I should really be doing my law assignment now, its for Friday, I think I'll get it done later though. Not up for it right now.

And so, Star Gate - SG1. Here I come!!

oh, and p.s. You know you've been hanging around with too many geeks and you're just a geek in general when you read a status on facebook as "got her Vista! WOOOOHOOO" when she really just got her VISA. *hangs head in shame*

This weekend was pretty awesome  won't lie. It started out at Scotts for the usual beer o'clock, we then ended up at Spur, where I guzzled down a burger at the speed of light... it was really yummy and I was hungry (and drunk) ok? :P

Tally, Toaster and I then ended up at Cow Moon where we had to "name drop" knowing Cait and Kath to get in because it was full. It was awesome there and as is my usual way I ended up chilling to the point where I was half asleep. It was pretty cool. I sat there and got cuddled by Toaster, which lead to many funny looks and questions about whether we're a couple or not which I'm still laughing about.

Then the plague got to me a little and I decided it was time for me to go home because my chest started closing up and going dodgey, which generally always happens when I'm sick. Tally and Toastie got me home in one piece, both looking extremely worried and then they went on their way, and I passed out in my bed.

On Saturday I slept all day, missing lunch, and dinner, and not caring in the slightest. It was nice and it made me feel quite a lot better. I got woken by a phone call at about seven from my sister, telling me she just got properly engaged to Patrick which is awesome. I knew it was going to happen soon, don't ask me how, but my mom and I both knew. Steph of course was clueless. She sounded so shocked it was classic. So the birthday party I'm going back for on friday is now an engagement party too. :) I'm so happy that he pulled his shit together and finally got around to it. Its been long enough for god's sake.

I ended up going out with Wenchie for about an hour at Cafe Blanca, she ended up doing her usual thing of phoning half an hour before and asking to go out, and I would've said no because I'd turned everyone else down but she broke up with xcode on friday and just needed to get out of the house and felt I couldn't say no.

So Wench and I chatted about all sorts of things, and then I came home, watched Futurama and went back to sleep.

I spent all of today in bed as well, just trying to get better since I don't want to be sick all next week as well, since that would seriously suck, as bored as I am with staying in bed, the sleeping and relaxing has actually been really nice :)

Awesome relaxing weekend has been awesome.

Oh and congrats to my Stephy again. :)

So here I am once again updating this thing, and thinking about all the stuff that has gone down. I'm so glad that I'm back here (at rhodes), and that my degree seems to be sorted, and that I actually enjoy all of the subjects I'm doing at the moment. It's awesome. It was my birthday on monday, and it was so awesome. Tally made me dinner, and it was so good, the place settings were beautiful and everything was just stunning. There was even an awesome cake with silvr balls spelling my name and everything! :D It really did make me feel amazingly special. Thanks tally :).

Also found out on monday that I am now resnet rep, and have been running around like a blue-arsed fly trying to get everything sorted out... its not going too well at the moment, however I realised how much I actually like doing this stuff and how useless the last resnet chicky was ;). She left this place in disarray, complete and utter...

Anyway, other than that, I saw Stuart on monday as well, and suprisingly it wasn't awkward at all, we hugged, chatted for two minutes, and then went our seperate ways. He seems to be struggling right now as well, and as much as I want to help him and such, I'm also stuck in the mindset that it isn't actually my job anymore. I'm willing to be friends with him again as long as he doesn't cross the line.

Other than that, nothing interesting has been happening at all, I'm seriously tired because of too many late nights and too many people bugging me about their interwebz and such but its ok. I'm enjoying it :D

So awesomely happy at the moment I could just squish people. :D

so... *squish squish SQUISH*

So... I like haven't really been updating here much and a lot has been happening. I'm not really sure where to start actually other than the fact that I'm really really really happy :D

Ok, so we'll start with the fact that I gave into temptation and once again hooked up with Timmy, even though I said to everyone and myself I wasn't going to go there again. I don't really remember how it happened but it just DID. OOPS. hehe. I don't regret it at all though. Not really. I do regret the fact that I've gotten involved emotionally again and its turned out as more than just an "oh well I snogged my ex" situation. I think I knew it would before it happened though which is why I didn't want it to happen. Silly me. So the entire time I've been home, other than the two weeks he was on holiday in CT we've been 'together' but not. If that makes any sense at all. When we took the dogs for a walk yesterday we also had "the talk". yes... one of those. Where we both said we didn't want to do the long distance thing but what actually happens to us when I leave and go back. He said we should end it once and for all because everytime I come back for holidays we end up hooking up. (except for when I was dating d0bBy)  and that we probably shouldn't do it anymore. I said well we tried that a while back and it never seems to work, and he said well we'll see. Not really that concrete an answer but hey! I don't actually know what I want from this though. thats the problem. He is right for me and everything but he's in jo'burg, we both don't want to do the long distance thing and its not a possibility for him to move or anything. So we could only be together properly again when I'm done with varsity and even then its not for sure. it seems a long time to wait out and everything. I don't know. it's probably better to just end it already. I mean its been 2 years of on and off. eish. I am not the one on this one though.

I've been seeing a shrink this holiday too and thats made things interesting. she's actually helpful unlike the useless counselling centre, I think I go and see her this afternoon too. not sure. She's really awesome and we get along really well. She's also helped with a lot of things. Which brings me to the next part.

I had a slight explosion. I don't actually remember when it was but I got home from the Gay boyfriend's house at five in the morning and everyone was awake and fighting. So I was sat down and pulled into it. Then after much berating from all parties... except my mommy, who actually knew the story I exploded and told my sister everything I've been bottling up for the past I don't know how long. it was quite impressive, and it took about two hours to get everything out. There was much snot and lots of crying but it all turned out for the better. Steph and I are actually getting along again. Hooray! No one lets me bottle things up anymore either. Which is good.

My dad is just being silly as usual. Timmy says he's on his own little mission and is blind to the world. Like our spaniel. Which I found quite funny.

In other interesting news, Stuart aka d0bBy has been talking to me again. On mxit which I've been on quite a lot to keep the boredom at bay. He's acting completely normal, and one thing talking to him has shown is that he is actually really selfish. on top of that. I'm really not sure talking to him is a good idea. I'm enjoying it too much. if that makes any sense, and that is not a good thing, because that is one place I'm really really not going to again. Not only because I've been threatened with death if I do.

I'm also having trouble deciding if I want to be back in gtown. As strange as that sounds. I haven't gotten bored this holiday and I'm feeling really happy, and I'm basically petrified of this year. Like utterly, because I don't want it to turn out like last year did. If it does I don't know what I'll do. *Sigh*

Thats about it basically.

BAIIIII ;)

Haven't updated in a while so I guess I should. I need to get all this stuff down before I forget it anyway I think. Who knows. I'm feeling very lacklustre at the moment I won't lie. The waiting for marks, dealing with the people and the thought of having to spend all my inheritance on a year at varsity has kinda taken it out of me to a certain extent. I'm tired now and for one day, just one! I want to feel like I'm on holiday and I can sleep until noon instead of being woken up by my mother to do nothing except sit around the house and do nothing except walk the dogs and eat.

I know I'm grumping again. I don't care. Its one in the morning and I can't sleep and just MEH.

I had a long chat with my mom night before last when we went for dinner in cyrildene(china town) for proper proper chinese food(yum). For once I actually told her what I was really feeling. ( It just goes on and on... Read if you wish )

I might even get to see Tally soon! :D *happy dance*. I've realised in the last few days what really awesome friends I've made in the past year. People who care, and are always around, and are ok with listening, and who offer to make me birthday dinner because term starts on my birthday.  This is the part of the post where I get soppy, and all that because its christmas, but just thought that you guys needed the appreciation too :) since you're all awesome and have made a difference to my life in a lot of ways (insert more gooey mush here if you wish)

Still need to do christmas shopping though. :\
I'm definately lacking in a little xmas cheer this year, I think putting the tree up would be a good idea too though, who knows, its 2am no one really cares either ;)
And so...
In the famous words of Porky Pig, thats all folks, and all of it was a lot, I won't lie.
*crawls off to read in bed*

I'm not really sure what to think of my mom at the moment. After all the stuff I've heard from my dad the last few days about what really happened in the marriage that we were told fell apart because of him I don't really believe what my mom said anymore.

My dad calls it the double betrayal, because obviously the second betrayal was her 'leaving the team' and not really taking part in the marriage, which I had known before but not to the same extent. Thats what ended the marriage of more than thirty years. 

The first betrayal that my sister and I only found out the other day from my dad was that my mom had an affair. for 8 months. Thats when my parents split up (this was before my sister and I were born) for six months and saw other people. They got back together after that but still. My mom never told us that, and everything is kinda starting to click together with some of the things my dad used to say to Steph when she was my age. She's seven years older than me.

I'm still really gobsmacked actually. I can't really believe it. My mom always portrayed the divorce as a crime against her, because my dad left and everything. It now turns out that she was never completely innocent either and only told her side of the story that she wanted us to hear. My dad just never really got to tell his side of the story because we always believed my mom before.

And so the truth came out. *sigh*

I'm not really sure what to think anymore when it comes to their divorce and what messed out.

I just wish she'd been more honest with us at this point...

I'm actually enjoying the hols, which is an awesome yay. My mommy is coming home tomorrow. I've only been grumped at once. I get to cuddle the cutest puppies ever, and I can sleep until about 2 in the afternoon without any hassle. My sleeping patterns are completely fucked as a result but I don't really care. I think I'm catching up on sleep that I missed during exams etc.

Natalie: sigh
stuart.honour: sigh?
Natalie: I feel like I should apologise
yes
sigh
stuart.honour: apologise for what?
Natalie: being a bitch? I don't know. just everything in general
stuart.honour: you had a right to be angry though
Natalie: I still am I little but not as much. shrugs
( the full chat... )

so yes.
Now all I can think is that he's a bastard. I'm an even bigger bitch, and that I don't think I'll be able to be friends with him for a very long time because as much as we have things in common and I miss him I hate him at the moment. I feel used and dirty. Branded and so angry I could kill him.

Just wish I could stop crying over the fucker now too.

Won't lie. Being home is nice. I'm getting along with Steph just fine, we had a long chat this afternoon about mom leaving and how Stuart is a complete ass-clown. I had a good cry and now I'm crying again.

All I seem to be doing at the moment is crying. Its getting old now kinda. I should just be over all of this, but I'm not. MEH is all I have to say. I mean really. I hate this.

On the other hand I have been having a slight ego stroke because the ex. Timmy, has been all over me and trying to have it off with me with the usual lines of how he loves me etc. I don't know. I'm just having trouble with everything at the moment.

My dad saw the scars on my arm on thursday morning as well and asked about them. I said we would talk about it later. I'm wondering when its going to come up again and I'm actually going to have to tell him.

I'm very conflicted at the moment, since I'm really glad to be home with family and stuff but at the same time I'm missing everyone else desperately. even the ass-clown unfortunately. As wierd as it sounds and as angry as I am at him I just hope he's happy. *shrugs*

Spoke to bs, kindred and tally today though which is so awesome. have missed being able to just talk with them as well.

*massive hugs* to everyone who's feeling meh, down, lonely, messed up etc. etc. etc.

Have decided there is nothing wrong with wanting a cuddle every now and there is nothing wrong with asking for one.

So. Therefore

*cuddles*

Am on the bus now, on my way back to jo'burg and because I can't sleep I shall post before a try popping a sleeping pill.
*sigh* I knew that when I got on this bus I would start crashing on a major scale. So as the bus started leaving I burst into very sniffly rain storm type tears. What made it even worse is that while the bus trundled past athies I see stuart walking up the hill with a friend of his. When they heard the bus coming the turned and looked. Greg carried on walking but stuart watched it leave. It just made me sad really, and was almost symbolic for me at least of how little effort he is willing to put in and the fact that last night he lost something he can never have back again now. There's no chance. I just can't. I deserve someone better, "a decent human being" as tally put it, and someone who puts in just as much effort I did. I just couldn't make him happy, and one of the things I love most is making people happy.

I feel like I've been chewed up and spat out again. As much as the relationship was a good one and for a long time the good outweighed the bad until about the last three or so weeks. I know that the reason he was being a bastard was because he apparently doesnt know if he wants to be in a relationship and as much as he likes me and wants me he doesnt want to be in a relationship. Oh and of course on top of that I get the "and I'm in love with amber" amber is the ex before me. And she apparently got under his skin a lot more than he realized.

So here I sit with a hickey on my neck I desperately want to wash away and the constant question as to why I couldn't make him happy. What amber has to be able to get under his skin after only having been with about a third of how long we were together and he was here for half of it. I just don't get it. I really don't. I know what everyone is probably thinking at the moment and its something along the lines of he doesnt deserve you anyway, and its not my fault he's just a git. Only problem is I'm kinda finding it hard to think that sort of stuff at the moment. I just can't. I know he's broken, and that he doesnt do monogamy well and that he's just a general fuck ups but I didn't think it would be this bad. I probably shouldn't have taken him back the first time.

So here I sit on the greyhound with a really numb bum crying quietly to myself over the git, the fact that I'm not sure what's going to happen next year and because I miss everyone already.

I just wish he'd put the effort in, had been just a little less selfish and towards the end a more decent person.

*cries while trying to remove the brand from her neck*

Excuse my emo-ness just btw as well

So... Like... Ja.

I'm done. I've finished with exams and I'm going home soon. I can't wait but at the same time I just want to stay longer.

I'm not going to get all emo because I need at least one that isn't. So instead I has a to-do-list

• Speak to doctors office
• Get boxes
• Pack up room
• Throw shit out
• Charge stuff up for the bus trip home
• Make sure my father knows when and where to pick me up
• Organise holiday job for extra funding towards christmas

Rolling Stones: You Can't Always Get What You Want
(M. Jagger/K. Richards)

"I saw her today at the reception
A glass of wine in her hand
I knew she would meet her connection
At her feet was a footloose man
No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometime you just might find
You get what you need"

There are more words than that but thats just a snippet, I've been listening to it a lot, and trying to keep it in mind.
It keeps me sane, and its an awesome sixties song :D

I should probably be studying, but keep finding other things to do. This is not a good thing. I will be ready before tomorrow morning though, even if it means I have to stay up all night. I will, I will.

There is no chance I'm not coming back next year. I won't let it happen. I've decided. This place it too much like home, and no matter what my dad says I will come back.

Today has been another emo day. Had what you could call a freak out because of bs leaving and tally going tomorrow and such, it just got me feeling really down, and thinking what if I can't come back next year and I never see any of these people again. :(

Stuart got me a little more cheered though. Another thing is that I don't want to go two months without seeing him. I know it sounds silly but I don't. Except there doesn't seem to be a time when we will be able to see each other unless I can do some serious planning etc. 

One pro is that its 18 days until my mommy comes home!! Thats kinda the only thing keeping me going at the moment, and the fact that I may be able to see tally during the vac. I hope so at least. 

I guess I'm just feeling meh at the moment because I'm tired of exams and such but still.

I'm seriously thinking about taking up Kindred's offer of staying a little longer and just changing my bus ticket or something, and crashing on his couch so I don't have to deal with my dad and Steph but its probably not a good idea. I have to go home and face the music.

I'm off to try and finish this section before Tally and I go and get phoods. mmmm omnomnomnom.