mad_natter

What a wonderful christmas season

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 19:01:50 GMT

So, I got my results on thursday and promptly burst into tears and spent that night and most of Friday stoned. See, they weren't exactly what I hoped for. In fact they were the complete opposite. After thinking I had done enough work, that I would get my 2.5 credits that I needed to finally go onto second year and everything. Well. No such luck. I passed Psych 102, the one thing I studied the least for and got 46 for everything else. So I'm officially out. I can't come back and I can't go onto second year, I can't write supps because I was on academic probation in the first place and thats that.

I feel like my life is falling down around my ears and I don't really know what to do with myself. I had a job as a waitress in a restaurant with a horrible manager it just wasn't working out money wise etc and I ditched it after I got my marks. I hopefully have enough money for christmas, I'm not actually sure though because I've only bought a present for Tally. Thats how keen I am on the xmas season at the moment. I've really really been hiding from the world as well. Im trying to deal with all of this slowly but surely, its not happening that well though. I'm angry, disappointed, sad, shocked, and I feel like I've fucked everything up, even though I don't actually know how. I wish I could say "well, I just didn't work and thats that". I have this constant running thought going through my head that I'm just too stupid and I've let everyone down. Even though no one seems angry. I guess I'm angry enough for everyone. My life seems to be crumbling down around my ears, and I know it isn't the end of the world or anything, it still seems like it is though.

Toast and I are going to give the long distance thing a good try and see what happens. Two years of long distance is going to be hard though. It may even be longer. I don't want to waste his time and keep him when he can find someone else thats better and probably more equipped for life. We'll see how it goes though. I'm going to give it my best shot. I am having a lot of trouble seeing the good side to anything at the moment. I just hope I can find a job that pays enough for me to be able to move out sooner rather than later and that I get my license quickly.

Ah fuck is all I have to say.

I'm going back to bed. I thought writing this would help, but it hasn't really.

Procsoc anyone?

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:15:34 GMT

Right, so I haven't updated this in a really really long time, and now that I'm in need of something else to proc soc with I'm going to bore you all with my mundane writing once again and will probably start writing in this thing more often, because boredom has set in once again and it isn't even holidays yet.

I've got two exams left, Psych 102 and Classics. They're on saturday and monday, so I still have time and yet I really feel like I should be studying my bum off again. I've written three so far, and they seem to have gone well, but because of my histry with exams I'm not getting my hopes up or thinking anything good. They're over, I worked hard for them and now what will be will be. Otherwise in the past months nothing much has really changed. I'm still dating Daniel, its been 7 and a bit months now and I'm still very happy. :) I'm not going to go all mushy and prattle on about how wonderful he is because I think I've done enough of that in other posts already.

I still work at Gino's and its actually wonderful, I love it. I'm going to miss working there when I go on holiday and I miss working there now when I'm only given one shift because I'm writing exams. Clive is leaving at the end of this month, he's one of the managers, and everyone is going to miss him, well, I know I will even though we're hardly ever nice to each other. Its going to be sad without him and the other manager is probably leaving as well at some point and the restaurant is going to fall to pieces. I can just see it. I'm trying not to deal with the fact that everyone seems to be leaving at the end of this year, all the friends that I made last year that have stuck. Bs, Kindred, Tally, Kronis, mm1za, and other people, and out of the two people in res I still talk to in res one is leaving to move into digs and I'll probably never see her again. I've made new friends this year, and have been trying to spend time with them to make them my real friends but the truth is that they're Daniel's friends, and I'm afraid that if we break up I'll be left all alone. It'll be like it is with the guys I spent all of last year with before Stuart and I broke up, we had great times together and I was one of the guys but then they moved into digs and Stuart and I broke up and all of a sudden they say hi when they walk past but thats the end of that. Nothing more. I guess its to be expected really, I don't see it as choosing sides I'm just worried that something will happen between Daniel and I and I'll lose one of my best friends and the new friends I've made.

I know I'll still see the people, or at least I hope I will, its just the fact that won't be part of my tiny little world anymore. Thats probably one of the things thats been getting me down the most lately. The end of this year feels like the end of an era. I know they're not dying or anything and that we'll still talk it still gets to me though and I think I've probably been spending more time with the people that are staying because its easier than saying goodbye. So thats been keeping me quite emo lately as well.

I also had a breakthrough the other day concerning Stuart, and it basically went "what the fuck was I thinking". I had good times with him, and I will always love him, I shared things with him that I won't share with anyone else, and I don't mean secrets or anything sexual. Just experiences. I realised that he never actually gives anything back though. He always just takes and expects me to keep giving, I don't want material things or anything but maybe just a little bit of effort on his part that means he's actually adding something to the relationship. It can't always be 50/50. I understand that but when its mostly all coming from my part it just becomes a bit much, and the other night when he wasn't even willing to listen to me talk I realised that. I can't be friends with him if he's just going to keep sucking me dry. It still kinda hurts though. Maybe it shouldn't, maybe it should, at the moment I'm just dealing with it really.

At the moment I just want to go home, get cuddled by my mommy and be able to properly hide from the world with my family.

On a better note I haven't cut myself since december last year, I've had one slip and thats all and didn't do it again and I'm quite proud of myself. I haven't picked up other habits to compensate for it or anything. yay me?

I can't really give you day by day break down of the last I don't know how many months but thats the stuff thats important to me at the moment. Even if most of it is emo and disgusting. Oh well.

Bah Humbug

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 20:00:59 GMT

Last night was quite fun really.

Sam, Al, Nick, Nicky and I went to the Blue Goose, and jammed along to some very good, very old rock music. Most of the usuals were there and we were greeted with the usual "hey, hey! The rent-a-crowd is here!" Thats what we are called there, because we end up getting quite rowdy. They played Chuck Berry, Led Zeppelin, and a whole lot of others. It was pretty awesome. Had a shot of Tequila and it went down really really badly, no idea why, but it really did. Was horrible.

Got home at about midnight, maybe a little later and spent about 3 hours talking to my Toaster. The amount we talk to each other is really quite scary, its about five hours everyday. Its really fun. I'm so glad we still have things to talk about.

Woke up today, and didn't really do much other than talk to my toaster, find out all of the drama thats been going on, what with all the over-reacting, raging, and stupidity going around. basically:

Kath slept at Dane's place
Toaster read this in Kath's live journal
Toaster told his friend Matt that she slept at Dane's place and that he was worried about Dane, livejournal was not mentioned or shown...
Matt raged at Dane
Dane went to Kath
Kath raged at Toaster and defriended him
Toaster rages about Kath leading Dane on and possibly hurting him... AGAIN
Kath rages concurrently about being violated

So yeah. Its a really really interesting story, its really really really dramatic and to me seems to be quite silly. I'm probably going to end up stepping on people's toes by posting this but its my journal and if you don't like what you read, don't read it.

It seems to me like everything has been blown out of proportion on this one.

Everyone has friends, and the ones that they are closer to are under protection. If they see something going wrong, or something that they're worried about they're going to say something!! Its a friends job! People aren't going to just sit by, and even if it is not business that concerns them directly, friends always concern other people. Its the way life works! Get over it!!

Anyway, thats the end of my speel, other than that my eeepc stopped working today, well rather, it would hang every time I tried to open a program. So after freaking out a little bit I got hold of chris and he helped me out, and we figured out that it was Avast, which I installed a couple of days ago. So uninstalled that and now it works perfectly again. Chris is officially a super hero. :D

Other than that I had a nap and didn't do much else, have been bumming around all day, has been awesome.

Sorry if I offended anyone with this entry, and like I said before, its my journal I can say what I like, and I'm not meaning to offend anyone.

Last night...

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 12:30:07 GMT

Last night was an interesting one, I got back from the shrink and was so tired I just passed out, I then got woken up at half past seven by my gay boyfriend, Al. Who told me to get up, get out of bed, and get into the bath that he was running for me. As confused as I was I did like he said, with much mumbling and grumbling on the way because I would rather have been asleep. So anyway, went into the bathroom, got stripped by Al and put into the bath. At this point I'm very very confused. Anyway, so he then pulls out a razor and his shaving cream and tells me that he's going to shave my legs for me. :O A very confused face was my only answer. He grabbed my legs and started shaving them. He seemed to have a lot of fun with it, I must admit I was slightly shocked. So anyway, he then sat on the floor and waited for me to finish bathing, and when I was done he pulled me out of the bath, took me back to my room and told me to get dressed. I grumbled but got dressed anyway, I had so far realised that he was worried about me cutting myself and thats why he was shaving my legs for me. After I was dressed he pulled out a pair of slippers... They used to be blue, but he painted them red and put glitter on them, and told me to put them on and so my thing. So I clicked my heels three times and said there's no place like home, and when I opened my eyes again I was still in my room (shock horror). He then went on about how this is my home too and that everyone here loves me and that certain things come with the territory when you come home and especially when you live in this house. He told me how worried about me he was and how he didn't want me doing anything stupid and all that, and then told me that he's been reading my livejournal for the past 4 months, keeping track of me and making sure I'm ok.

No wonder he knew about the red slippers and my feeling awful. I reassured him that I wasn't going to do anything stupid and as much as last year was a complete and utter fuck up for me. emotion wise I'm actually better now. I'm on meds, I'm stable, I'm working and I'm not cutting.

I didn't know he's been so concerned about me.

I have however realised that I have some of the best friends in the world. Here and in gtown.

I love you Al, and I don't know what I would do without you.

OMG

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 22:19:49 GMT

OMG
If I have to hear anymore about bloody weddings I'm going to kill myself. Its only in like two years time!
GOSH

Red sparkley slippers anyone?

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 21:04:54 GMT

*sigh* Just one week of holiday left and I can't wait for it to end, as strange as it sounds. I'm not really happy here and stuff has been getting to me alot. I've been fighting urges a lot, mostly to hurt myself, so have given up on shaving as TMI as that might be, it keeps me away from the razors and thats more important that not looking like a scary French woman. I hate the fact that I'm having difficulty fighting it at the moment, and I know its because of being at home. It kinda sucks here sometimes, I'm sick of being stuck in the house, having to ask for lifts, having to deal with all sorts of other stuff, and as much as it sounds wrong, I sometimes like just being selfish, and I can't be that here. I can in gtown. I have a home and a life there where I don't have to worry about certain things.

It was my dad's birthday yesterday, I didn't see him, didn't wish him, and haven't made any plans to see him this holiday at all. He hasn't really made any effort either though. He hasn't emailed me, phoned, smsed or anything. I guess we just stay away from each other these days, because he doesn't understand me and I don't like him. I don't feel bad about not having a connection with him or not talking to him. It makes my life easier not having him around. I do however worry about that fact that I should feel bad. I should, and I just dont. The things I feel about him are hardly warm and fuzzy, in fact, they're pretty horrid, and I just don't care. He can go and live his life on his own little mission as long as it means he isn't part of mine.

This holiday has already been far too long, and as much as I'm enjoying spending time with my mommy I just want to get back now. I wish I had a pair of sparkley red slippers, a puppy, and my name was dorothy so that I could click my heels together and say "there's no place like home" 3 times, and *poof* I'd be back in Kansas. Well, Gtown in this case. I miss everyone there so much, and the place too.

I hate it here at the moment, and I don't know why. I've been feeling so silly and emo all the time, and I blame the evil shrink of evilness, hopfully it'll have gone away before I get back to gtown because I feel sorry for the people that have to deal with me then.

I know I can talk to my mom about it and everything, and I have. A little, but I just can't too much. She has so many other things to worry about I don't want her worrying about me too. She keeps asking me if I'm happy to be home and all I can really say is yes, because I don't want to hurt her.

Urgh

I hate this feeling.

Emo-ness, evil shrink and other things...

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 23:28:11 GMT

The last few days have been uneventful.
I'm missing my muppet (toastie) terribly, I knew I was attached to him but didn't realise that I would turn into a gooey, mushy mess as well. Spoke to him on the phone earlier though which was awesome. I feel like I'm kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place, because I want to get back to gtown, see my friends, go out and enjoy the life I have there, and on the other hand I'm wondering if I should be there at all.

My mom is in a really bad space at the moment because of all the household stress that comes with living with Steph, and the fact that the business isn't working out, living on a teachers salary and possibly not having a job after June. She's contemplating going back to the UK again, and I think its a good idea and at the same time I'm not sure it is. Not only because I'm worried about how it will affect me but also because the last time she came back she had no will to live and wanted to kill herself. I don't want that happening again. I can handle myself since I'm better now and stable etc. I can't handle an upset and fucking out mommy. I'm the only person she can actually talk to this stuff about because every time she says something about anything to Steph a fight ensues. Which usually starts with mom crying and Steph talking at her and ends in mom crying and Steph giving up and not talking to her at all. Its really great for family communication. So at this point I'm really really worried about my mom. Should I really be in Gtown when where she needs me the most is here? At least if I was here I could get a better job and help support her. Then the selfish side of me comes out and says (in a whiney voice) "but you love gtown, its your home, your life is there, your family is there and you have a degree to finish." Which is true, and since this year is paid for already I can't leave. I don't want to, and I won't. I will however try and organise some mid-term visits so that I can help my mom out more.

Am also looking for a job gtown side so that my mom doesn't have to give me pocket money every month and then if I earn enough to cover the amount she gives me, I can send some money back to her as well. Now I just actually need to find a job which may be slightly difficult, but come hell or high water I will get a job. I have to. I can't sponge off her any longer. I should be self sufficient by now and I will be.

I also had an appointment with my shrink today, which started out with us talking about varsity and how its going and the strange things that happen, we spoke about Stuart, and what had been happening with him last term, and I told her about my muppet. Then she basically put me into a visualisation trance. I first had to visualise my life room. Its my room, and its full of me. The light I am, every experience I've ever had, pictures up on the wall, a really comfy couch, and all sorts. The geek side obviously put its two cents in because there was an imac in the corner... Yes sad I know, but its one of the ways I keep records. It was my room, and it was awesome. She then got me to visualise myself in a strong bubble of protection etc, and to see who is attached to it, as if by ambilical cords. My mom's attachment was the largest one and a lot of other people were there. The people that mean more than anything in the world to me. She then told me to look at how I viewed the connection I had with Stuart. Did he give anything back? Was he just taking? Was it worth keeping him attached? She said I could either cut him off completely, limit the amount I give to him, or put a kind of valve in, and I decided that he gives nothing. Absolutely Nothing. He just takes, like a leech, and so I took out my very large, medieval axe, and I cut him off. The cord was severed and he went floating off into the distance. It was really quite liberating.

The one thing I did however notice was the fact that although all of my friends, dear people and family were there. One person was missing. My dad. He wasn't connected. He wasn't there at all. Of course Karin (my shrink) found this very interesting asked whether I wanted the connection to be there and wanted to create on or whether I was ok with not having one at all. I don't think I actually want one. I know it sounds terrible, but he doesn't really give anything to my life, and I haven't spoken to him in a while. Don't think it would really kill me if I didn't speak to him for a while more.

Anyway, back to my trancey, hippy, drugless, visualisation. I was then told to step out of my room and onto a stage, and sitting in the audience were all the people who had taken power from me in my life. The most visible people in the audience were Steph and my dad. I made a speech, took my power back and got off the stage. I then went back into my room and was told that it is a safe place. No one is allowed there without the express permission of me. Since the room contains everything I've ever experienced, felt, done, etc.

I must admit that I can't really remember what happened at the very end other than I was told to count back from 3 to 1 and then come out of it feeling refreshed and awake. (hypnotisation anyone?) Well anyway, I came out of it, and felt really freaked and thinking "wow awesome ride man". Then as I stood up everything went slightly lopsided. I got back to the car without freaking Karin out or passing out and promptly freaked my mom out instead. I was completely and utterly zoned. Completely. I haven't been that out of it in a very very long time. On the drive home I felt like I was going to puke and was apparently a wonderful shade of green, which is what is supposed to happen, for me at least, when I get rid of stuff and work through things like I did today, I have a tendency to puke my guts up. It hasn't happened yet but I'm still not feeling 100% on the whole nausea side. Anyway, I got home and was promptly asked what drugs I was on because I was so out of it and got put to bed by my mommy, and came out of it a little later thankfully.

I then hermitted myself in my room and watched buffy and tried to conquer my emo feelings. Its not working so well atm, but oh well.

Other than that I went to movies on Tuesday night and was shocked once again at the price of movie tickets in this place, Jo'burg that is. We went to see Monsters vs. Aliens 3D. Yes thats right 3D. I didn't however know that 3D movie tickets are now R65. R65!!!!! Its utter madness I tell you. Well anyway, the woman at the counter did a sneaky sneaky for us and gave us the tickets at normal price, and half the normal price for the people with vitality cards and the like, but, back to my earlier statement. R65 a ticket!!!! MADNESS I TELL YOU!! MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :O

I ordered a new laptop on monday as well, because my Dell is dying. So am getting the Asus, eeepc 904HD. I'm pretty excited actually. It arrived today and I'll be picking it up tomorrow. No idea how Steph is going to handle me having a new laptop though. We haven't even told her about the external hard-drive I bought a few weeks back because we think she'll freak. Oh yeah! I'm so looking forward to that! *hears a drip of sarcasm in the background*

Other than that nothing interesting has been happening at all.
I think I'm going to go and curl up in bed with a sandwich and watch Buffy before I go to sleep.

Well that was out of the blue... For me...

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 18:40:05 GMT

So, time for another update...
I'm back home in Jo'burg and not really feeling it that much I won't lie. I was so excited for the end of term and seeing my mom but home is kinda just getting on my nerves. It may just be because I'm cranky and tired but I dunno. I'm also sick of hearing about bloody wedding stuff. I mean really now, Steph is getting married in about a year and a half, maybe two years, and since I've been back its been wedding, wedding, wedding and not much else. It's very tiring. I guess thats because I've never really been one of those girls. I can be girly and all that but I've hardly dreamt about my dream wedding, don't care if its in a magistrates court and don't really see the point of all the fuss.

Its been really nice seeing my mom though. She's been missing me terribly and I've missed her too, so seeing her again and having a mommy cuddle is the best. I've also seen all the rest of my working parts, which includes Sam, Al and Nicky and even though I'm tired of seeing them now it was really awesome seeing Al at the bus station at 8 in the morning (thats early for him). The bus ride was kinda awful. The bus ended up braking down, broken fan belt and all that, so it was late, but it doesnt really matter, I got enough sleep. Even if I'm pretty cranky right now. I'll catch up on the rest of the sleep later.

And now for the shocking part that you all saw coming, even if I didn't. I'm dating Toaster. Yes, we are together. we ended up kissing on wednesday night and well, yeah. I'll leave it up to his lj entry to fill in all the details. I'm still in shock to a certain extent, I really am. I knew I liked him and all that and we've been very good friends for a while, but when it happened it was a definate brainsplosion. I'm really extremely happy now. He makes me all squishy, its quite gross really. *goes all pink and shiney again*.

Other than that, nothing interesting has been happening, am waiting for the hols to end, as strange as its sounds... since they've only just begun, but hey.

Timmy is seemingly not very impressed with me, which I'm not really suprised about but anyway, I don't think he was really expecting me to move on after the talk he gave me during the last hols, and I'm really not interested now. I distanced myself from him this last term for a reason and its over. Officially.

So thats about it really. My head is still spinning, I'm all pink and shiney and I'm loving the mommy cuddles.

*cuddles to everyone*

Oh, and I miss my Toaster... already, its quite bad actually.

Oh, and go to ccmixter.org it are really awesome.

The last few weeks

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 17:12:07 GMT

The last few weeks have been crazy, and I realised that since I've been back I haven't really updated my LJ. So here goes.

I've turned into a party animal. Its true. I go out every wednesday, and friday, and almost every saturday. Not the mention other days of the week that end in the letter y. Its not really a bad thing though. I'm really enjoying it. I'm still getting to all of my lectures. I'm not behinf on work, and I'm doing just great. Only downside is that I'm now officially broke. Its almost the end of the month though so thats ok, and half of next month I'm at home. Which is a lot less expensive.

My partner in crime is of course. THE TOASTER!!! :) he comes out with me and dances with me and its really quite awesome. We're kaif buddies too. (I've really become quite attached to him, but sshhh, dont tell him ;))

Other than getting my exercise from dancing my ass off on wednesdays and saturdays. I've been going to leccies and getting work done. Wrote a law test on the 18th and it was spectacular (she says holding thumbs that it isn't a "histry spectacular") I really think I did well and I'm loving law, which I think my entire family is finding amazing. I find it interesting and well... Just plain awesome.

Classics has gotten a little boring lately but the work is still ok. I'm enjoying the stuff, just not the lecturer so much, and HAM is good too. The shitty lecture times just get to me a little.

I spend so much time at the kaif that people now expect to see me there and either take a detour to come past and say hi (Tally today) or
phone me and ask me where the hell I am. Its quite un-nerving. I'm thinking about moving back to my room and spending frees here. (like thats gonna happen).

Anyway, Nothing else really interesting has been happening lately. I've been feeling a little like everything is falling apart, but only really started feeling that way when I started having that joyful visit from aunty rose that comes every month. So I'm blaming it on March and the fact that its hormone time. Hormones running wild is always fun!! :D (*koff*)

It was really really awesome seeing Tally, BS and Chris on Friday, even though there was some tension it felt like after a long separation we were finally back together again. For me at least. I then had quite a big cry when I got home because I realised they're all leaving at the end of this year and I'm being left behind. At least they're all in the vicinity of Jo'burg though so I can at least see them during vacs. I won't lie though, that doesn't make it suck any less in my head.

I also realised today that I've gone almost exactly three months since the last time I hurt myself. Yay me! Granted I've punched a few things, but that was in anger and not to hurt myself. So yay! maybe I'm overcoming it for the moment. As much as I still get my twitches sometimes I just ignore them and try and do something else and then look back on it later to see what brought it on, and I'm working on getting rid of those things in my life. Which is probably going to be easier said than done but thats ok.

I got a really pretty western digital external harddrive yesterday too. With my mommy's permission and its so awesome. 160 gigs and tiny. Pretty. Light. and on top of all of that it doesn't even need an external power source. I can like to be very happy with it so far, and with a three year warranty I'm glowing ;)

I rate it was a good choice. :D

Other than that, there is no news. Love life is non-existant and as much as I'm wanting cuddles desperately and to just be with someone I think I'm going to stay single for a while. I don't think I'm really ready for another relationship just yet. Not after everything that has happened.

I'll just stick to going out with Toastie and dancing my heart out feeling safe in the knowledge that I have awesome friends and an awesome family. I don't particularly feel like being messed with at the moment. but hey.

I should really be doing my law assignment now, its for Friday, I think I'll get it done later though. Not up for it right now.

And so, Star Gate - SG1. Here I come!!

oh, and p.s. You know you've been hanging around with too many geeks and you're just a geek in general when you read a status on facebook as "got her Vista! WOOOOHOOO" when she really just got her VISA. *hangs head in shame*

Weekend, teh awesomeness

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 14:14:13 GMT

This weekend was pretty awesome won't lie. It started out at Scotts for the usual beer o'clock, we then ended up at Spur, where I guzzled down a burger at the speed of light... it was really yummy and I was hungry (and drunk) ok? :P

Tally, Toaster and I then ended up at Cow Moon where we had to "name drop" knowing Cait and Kath to get in because it was full. It was awesome there and as is my usual way I ended up chilling to the point where I was half asleep. It was pretty cool. I sat there and got cuddled by Toaster, which lead to many funny looks and questions about whether we're a couple or not which I'm still laughing about.

Then the plague got to me a little and I decided it was time for me to go home because my chest started closing up and going dodgey, which generally always happens when I'm sick. Tally and Toastie got me home in one piece, both looking extremely worried and then they went on their way, and I passed out in my bed.

On Saturday I slept all day, missing lunch, and dinner, and not caring in the slightest. It was nice and it made me feel quite a lot better. I got woken by a phone call at about seven from my sister, telling me she just got properly engaged to Patrick which is awesome. I knew it was going to happen soon, don't ask me how, but my mom and I both knew. Steph of course was clueless. She sounded so shocked it was classic. So the birthday party I'm going back for on friday is now an engagement party too. :) I'm so happy that he pulled his shit together and finally got around to it. Its been long enough for god's sake.

I ended up going out with Wenchie for about an hour at Cafe Blanca, she ended up doing her usual thing of phoning half an hour before and asking to go out, and I would've said no because I'd turned everyone else down but she broke up with xcode on friday and just needed to get out of the house and felt I couldn't say no.

So Wench and I chatted about all sorts of things, and then I came home, watched Futurama and went back to sleep.

I spent all of today in bed as well, just trying to get better since I don't want to be sick all next week as well, since that would seriously suck, as bored as I am with staying in bed, the sleeping and relaxing has actually been really nice :)

Awesome relaxing weekend has been awesome.

Oh and congrats to my Stephy again. :)

happy face

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 19:16:39 GMT

So here I am once again updating this thing, and thinking about all the stuff that has gone down. I'm so glad that I'm back here (at rhodes), and that my degree seems to be sorted, and that I actually enjoy all of the subjects I'm doing at the moment. It's awesome. It was my birthday on monday, and it was so awesome. Tally made me dinner, and it was so good, the place settings were beautiful and everything was just stunning. There was even an awesome cake with silvr balls spelling my name and everything! :D It really did make me feel amazingly special. Thanks tally :).

Also found out on monday that I am now resnet rep, and have been running around like a blue-arsed fly trying to get everything sorted out... its not going too well at the moment, however I realised how much I actually like doing this stuff and how useless the last resnet chicky was ;). She left this place in disarray, complete and utter...

Anyway, other than that, I saw Stuart on monday as well, and suprisingly it wasn't awkward at all, we hugged, chatted for two minutes, and then went our seperate ways. He seems to be struggling right now as well, and as much as I want to help him and such, I'm also stuck in the mindset that it isn't actually my job anymore. I'm willing to be friends with him again as long as he doesn't cross the line.

Other than that, nothing interesting has been happening at all, I'm seriously tired because of too many late nights and too many people bugging me about their interwebz and such but its ok. I'm enjoying it :D

So awesomely happy at the moment I could just squish people. :D

so... *squish squish SQUISH*

The news of the holiday...

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 13:11:51 GMT

So... I like haven't really been updating here much and a lot has been happening. I'm not really sure where to start actually other than the fact that I'm really really really happy :D

Ok, so we'll start with the fact that I gave into temptation and once again hooked up with Timmy, even though I said to everyone and myself I wasn't going to go there again. I don't really remember how it happened but it just DID. OOPS. hehe. I don't regret it at all though. Not really. I do regret the fact that I've gotten involved emotionally again and its turned out as more than just an "oh well I snogged my ex" situation. I think I knew it would before it happened though which is why I didn't want it to happen. Silly me. So the entire time I've been home, other than the two weeks he was on holiday in CT we've been 'together' but not. If that makes any sense at all. When we took the dogs for a walk yesterday we also had "the talk". yes... one of those. Where we both said we didn't want to do the long distance thing but what actually happens to us when I leave and go back. He said we should end it once and for all because everytime I come back for holidays we end up hooking up. (except for when I was dating d0bBy) and that we probably shouldn't do it anymore. I said well we tried that a while back and it never seems to work, and he said well we'll see. Not really that concrete an answer but hey! I don't actually know what I want from this though. thats the problem. He is right for me and everything but he's in jo'burg, we both don't want to do the long distance thing and its not a possibility for him to move or anything. So we could only be together properly again when I'm done with varsity and even then its not for sure. it seems a long time to wait out and everything. I don't know. it's probably better to just end it already. I mean its been 2 years of on and off. eish. I am not the one on this one though.

I've been seeing a shrink this holiday too and thats made things interesting. she's actually helpful unlike the useless counselling centre, I think I go and see her this afternoon too. not sure. She's really awesome and we get along really well. She's also helped with a lot of things. Which brings me to the next part.

I had a slight explosion. I don't actually remember when it was but I got home from the Gay boyfriend's house at five in the morning and everyone was awake and fighting. So I was sat down and pulled into it. Then after much berating from all parties... except my mommy, who actually knew the story I exploded and told my sister everything I've been bottling up for the past I don't know how long. it was quite impressive, and it took about two hours to get everything out. There was much snot and lots of crying but it all turned out for the better. Steph and I are actually getting along again. Hooray! No one lets me bottle things up anymore either. Which is good.

My dad is just being silly as usual. Timmy says he's on his own little mission and is blind to the world. Like our spaniel. Which I found quite funny.

In other interesting news, Stuart aka d0bBy has been talking to me again. On mxit which I've been on quite a lot to keep the boredom at bay. He's acting completely normal, and one thing talking to him has shown is that he is actually really selfish. on top of that. I'm really not sure talking to him is a good idea. I'm enjoying it too much. if that makes any sense, and that is not a good thing, because that is one place I'm really really not going to again. Not only because I've been threatened with death if I do.

I'm also having trouble deciding if I want to be back in gtown. As strange as that sounds. I haven't gotten bored this holiday and I'm feeling really happy, and I'm basically petrified of this year. Like utterly, because I don't want it to turn out like last year did. If it does I don't know what I'll do. *Sigh*

Thats about it basically.

BAIIIII ;)

No one can has fury like a Natty can has atm

Wed, 17 Dec 2008 00:10:39 GMT

Haven't updated in a while so I guess I should. I need to get all this stuff down before I forget it anyway I think. Who knows. I'm feeling very lacklustre at the moment I won't lie. The waiting for marks, dealing with the people and the thought of having to spend all my inheritance on a year at varsity has kinda taken it out of me to a certain extent. I'm tired now and for one day, just one! I want to feel like I'm on holiday and I can sleep until noon instead of being woken up by my mother to do nothing except sit around the house and do nothing except walk the dogs and eat.

I know I'm grumping again. I don't care. Its one in the morning and I can't sleep and just MEH.

I had a long chat with my mom night before last when we went for dinner in cyrildene(china town) for proper proper chinese food(yum). For once I actually told her what I was really feeling. How I actually feel about my dad, and the fact that I don't really think he's a decent human being and that the oxygen he uses could be put to better use doing something else, like... helping farts smell less or something. I know it sounds cruel, but after all that he put her through. Even if she did have it off with someone else. No decent, good human being would do things like that. My mom also didn't pack his bags and make him leave. He left of his own accord. On top of all of that. The only time I can think of, with my mom's help of course, where my mom "left the team" and "made decisions without him" was when my mom said she wasn't sending my sister off to boarding school. Thats all.

I also told my mom how angry I am with Steph. For a whole lot of different reasons, I explained most of them of course. One of them being the fact that my sister hasn't really noticed how much my mom as actually done for us in the last 8 years. She was a single mother, on a primary school teacher's salary, who sent me to a semi-private school, helped Steph buy a car, go to America for a year, still employed a full time maid, for us basically, worked two jobs until 6 in the evening and would still come home and cook dinner, still did birthdays, christmas and easter as if nothing was up, and made sure that her children had a very secure and loving support system. No matter what she went through. That to me is amazing. I don't think I would ever be able to do that. Not in a million years. I don't think Steph actually realises what mom went through in a lot of cases. What really happened when the credit cards got cancelled, the fact that we were kicked out of the house, the car was taken away and dad merely shrugged his shoulders and said make a plan when my mom asked how she was going to get us to work/school.

Steph seemed to somehow either not notice/overlook these things and what she didn't she seems to have forgotten. She is now really great friends with dad again and is angry at mom because she went over seas after Steph moved to CT and I had gone to Rhodes. It somehow seems very wrong to me. The woman who said that she was furious with our father and that he isn't part of he family etc is now all buddy buddy again. Steph has always had issues with dad, and feeling like I'm the child thats more loved, cared for etc etc etc., also dad's fault just btw, and I guess being the centre of attention when she moved back to JHB and feeling like she's liked and is the special daughter again has turned her brain to a puddle or something resembling grey custard. I think I saw some dribbling out of her nose the other day come to think of it...

So anyway. Thats basically a smidge of what I told my mom. I've never told her any of this before because I've always been so scared of hurting her even more by telling her what I'm feeling. It's easier to hold it up inside and help her with things rather than hurt her by saying some stuff. She was really really, and again, really suprised at how angry I am with dad and Steph. She was also extremely suprised that I had noticed what had been going on for the past 8 or 9 years.

One of the things that I hope has come out of this year, and my dad paying for Rhodes, is that my dad has realised how very expensive it is to clothe, feed, educate etc etc children. It is the equivalent of what he spent on me this year which is about 60 grand. maybe more. Who knows. How dare he think that R500 maintenance a month will cover everything. How dare he. That didn't even cover my school fees.

Anyway, after talking this all over with my mom, I told her that I came to the conclusion a very long time ago that dad has no claim on my life whatsoever. Less than five hours a week in time spent together, and R500 does not give him a claim.

I can like to be very very very angry. To the point where I just want to cry angry. It never really came out before and I never brought it up because I ended up hurting people when I said stuff like this so I dont think I even realised how very angry I was at both of them

Granted that doesn't exclude my mom, I was angry at her for going to the uk, but it wasn't really a logical anger and I know that. The other thing I'm angry with her for is for not taking dad for all he's worth. When we got kicked out the house, my mom bought a new house, furnished etc etc. all she took from the old house was a dining room table and chairs, the vacuum cleaner, iron and ironing board (because Aggie insisted) a set of crockery and cutlery, three beds, duvets and pillows, and about half of our things. Everything else she left.

Anyway. Thats my major, huge, very verbose and over the top rant done. The chat with my mom did wonders, and when I finally broke the news to Steph and dad about my marks (after I had spoken to the registrar etc) the shit storm I was expecting to hit kind of didn't arrive. I think its because my mom told Steph that its my decision whether I go back or not and not dads and took the wind out of her sails. Maybe they've just given up on caring and are too involved in their little act of happy family. To be quite honest, the latter would be easier to deal with.

So yeah, now I seem to have run out of emotional steam as such. Its ok though. I have time to build up another head of steam and maybe next time I'll be able to tell the people it involves. I doubt it though.

Just as a point, primary school teachers in jo'burg get paid about R11 000/12 000 a month. No more. with taxes that comes out to about R7 000 or R8 000. Annually that comes to around R104 000. This is all ball park figures of course. Now take into account that keeping one child costs around R50 000 to R60 000 a year in medical bills, clothing, food, education etc etc. That is half of her annual income gone on one person. She had to support three... (unless my math was completely fucked there)

On the upside, I am going back to Rhodes next year, I've made up my mind, and no one can really stop me from going. Next year will be better. Nicole, one of my friends from highschool is also going down next year and that'll be really nice too.

I might even get to see Tally soon! :D *happy dance*. I've realised in the last few days what really awesome friends I've made in the past year. People who care, and are always around, and are ok with listening, and who offer to make me birthday dinner because term starts on my birthday. This is the part of the post where I get soppy, and all that because its christmas, but just thought that you guys needed the appreciation too :) since you're all awesome and have made a difference to my life in a lot of ways (insert more gooey mush here if you wish)

Still need to do christmas shopping though. :\
I'm definately lacking in a little xmas cheer this year, I think putting the tree up would be a good idea too though, who knows, its 2am no one really cares either ;)
And so...
In the famous words of Porky Pig, thats all folks, and all of it was a lot, I won't lie.
*crawls off to read in bed*

The double betrayal

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 16:05:05 GMT

I'm not really sure what to think of my mom at the moment. After all the stuff I've heard from my dad the last few days about what really happened in the marriage that we were told fell apart because of him I don't really believe what my mom said anymore.

My dad calls it the double betrayal, because obviously the second betrayal was her 'leaving the team' and not really taking part in the marriage, which I had known before but not to the same extent. Thats what ended the marriage of more than thirty years.

The first betrayal that my sister and I only found out the other day from my dad was that my mom had an affair. for 8 months. Thats when my parents split up (this was before my sister and I were born) for six months and saw other people. They got back together after that but still. My mom never told us that, and everything is kinda starting to click together with some of the things my dad used to say to Steph when she was my age. She's seven years older than me.

I'm still really gobsmacked actually. I can't really believe it. My mom always portrayed the divorce as a crime against her, because my dad left and everything. It now turns out that she was never completely innocent either and only told her side of the story that she wanted us to hear. My dad just never really got to tell his side of the story because we always believed my mom before.

And so the truth came out. *sigh*

I'm not really sure what to think anymore when it comes to their divorce and what messed out.

I just wish she'd been more honest with us at this point...

Horiday update

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 14:48:17 GMT

I'm actually enjoying the hols, which is an awesome yay. My mommy is coming home tomorrow. I've only been grumped at once. I get to cuddle the cutest puppies ever, and I can sleep until about 2 in the afternoon without any hassle. My sleeping patterns are completely fucked as a result but I don't really care. I think I'm catching up on sleep that I missed during exams etc.

And so I spoke to the ass-clown again

Sat, 29 Nov 2008 23:34:45 GMT

Natalie: sigh
stuart.honour: sigh?
Natalie: I feel like I should apologise
yes
sigh
stuart.honour: apologise for what?
Natalie: being a bitch? I don't know. just everything in general
stuart.honour: you had a right to be angry though
Natalie: I still am I little but not as much. shrugs
stuart.honour: shrugs too
Natalie: well yeah
I'm sorry
Sent at 11:24 PM on Saturday
stuart.honour: its k
... i look like a buddhist monk
:D
Natalie: lol
Shakes head
stuart.honour: shaved again just now
it takes so flipping long to get it all the way down though
if theres even a little bit of stubble
my head turns into velcro
Natalie: so you're not going to let it grow back?
stuart.honour: i kinda like it bald
:P
but probably will grow it back
just want to keep it short for amy, mom and dad to see
:D
Natalie: strange man
stuart.honour: indeed
ugh
hate packing
Natalie: thought you were supposed to have left already
stuart.honour: girls only moved out yesterday and left GHT today
Natalie: oh ok
stuart.honour: plus havnt been able to get a hold of alexis to get a key
because her phone was stolen :\
Natalie: oh dear
stuart.honour: got her husbands number so ill ring again in the morning
Natalie: makes sense
meh at xelors sucking now
:(
stuart.honour: hehe
/me wants to play
if my phone wasnt so slow
id connect and play later
Natalie: they've changed all the spells and stuff. because of the new version. which means range and stuff is different
and it just plain sucks
stuart.honour: hopefully will have amys hsdpa next year :D
Natalie: lol
stuart.honour: yeah there were problems with the old xelor spells
thats why they changed
Natalie: lies
they were perfect before
could screw people over completely
was awesome
stuart.honour: lol
supposedly theyre better for group fights now or something
Natalie: no. they just suck now because there isn't any point to slow down and stuff anymore
stuart.honour: why not?
Natalie: because you can't do it close range and use it to protect yourself anymore. you have to be at least 4 blocks away to use it
stuart.honour: see that helps in a group fight
where you could slow down a critter near an ally
Natalie: I don't do group fights! I want my old spells back
stuart.honour: and it helps with critters that can move plenty of spaces in one turn
Natalie: well it has less range now too. so it doesn't really
stuart.honour: :\
shrugs
xelors always kinda sucked XD
Natalie: lies
my xelor used to be awesome
now she's just a little suckier. but because I got refunded spell points i changed the levels so it isn't so bad
stuart.honour: :)
i really wanna play
stoopid quota
Natalie: I'm playing now
fighting crackrocks with people
stuart.honour: stoopid proxy servers
stoopid uni stuff in general
need to finish packing
Natalie: yip
we only have six memebers in the guild. and five or so of them are us
stuart.honour: i know
saw that the other day
try recruit
:)
Natalie: I have been
stuart.honour: im off to finish packing
Natalie: k
stuart.honour: Away
Sent at 11:40 PM on Saturday
stuart.honour: ugh
still peeling :(
Natalie: lol
Sent at 12:01 AM on Sunday
Natalie: can I ask a question thats going to be kinda mean, and in my books kinda awkward. I just need to know really
stuart.honour: mhm ...
Natalie: why on earth did you have sex with me and give me a hickey and then break up with me
stuart.honour: i still like you ...
and i still find you attractive
and also im sex driven
you should know this by now
Natalie: yeah well
it just seemed a little... I don't know...
Sent at 12:48 AM on Sunday
Natalie: I don't really know how to describe it other than fucking confusing and slightly yuk
stuart.honour: :\
sorry
Natalie: it was just like ok well I've had sex with you for the last time and now you can go. bai
stuart.honour: wasnt like that at all
well didnt intend for it to seem like that
Natalie: well it did. and it was like you were just biding your time until the end of exams even though I asked you numerous times
stuart.honour: i wasnt sure what i was going to do until the time i actually did it
Natalie: shrugs
Sent at 12:57 AM on Sunday
Natalie: I don't know, it just sent the wrong message completely. I guess I'm done ranting at you.
stuart.honour: :\
Natalie: what?
stuart.honour: i dunno
didnt intend for a message like that
Natalie: yeah well when you tell a girl you like her but sorry for the last seven months you've been dating you've actually been in love with someone else it kinda sends the wrong message entirely. the entire thing sent the wrong thing. but yeah. doesn't really matter I guess.
turns bitch mode off
stuart.honour: sorry
Natalie: well you're not really but thats ok too I guess.
you get to eat the cake now
ok. now I really am going to turn bitch mode off.
stuart.honour: thank you
Natalie: I'm still slightly angry
lol
ah
w/s
w/c rather
stuart.honour: water closet?
:\
Natalie: wrong chat
the lol was meant for toastie
stuart.honour: ah
Sent at 1:13 AM on Sunday
stuart.honour: off to bed
night
Natalie: night

so yes.
Now all I can think is that he's a bastard. I'm an even bigger bitch, and that I don't think I'll be able to be friends with him for a very long time because as much as we have things in common and I miss him I hate him at the moment. I feel used and dirty. Branded and so angry I could kill him.

Just wish I could stop crying over the fucker now too.

Home

Fri, 28 Nov 2008 20:58:53 GMT

Won't lie. Being home is nice. I'm getting along with Steph just fine, we had a long chat this afternoon about mom leaving and how Stuart is a complete ass-clown. I had a good cry and now I'm crying again.

All I seem to be doing at the moment is crying. Its getting old now kinda. I should just be over all of this, but I'm not. MEH is all I have to say. I mean really. I hate this.

On the other hand I have been having a slight ego stroke because the ex. Timmy, has been all over me and trying to have it off with me with the usual lines of how he loves me etc. I don't know. I'm just having trouble with everything at the moment.

My dad saw the scars on my arm on thursday morning as well and asked about them. I said we would talk about it later. I'm wondering when its going to come up again and I'm actually going to have to tell him.

I'm very conflicted at the moment, since I'm really glad to be home with family and stuff but at the same time I'm missing everyone else desperately. even the ass-clown unfortunately. As wierd as it sounds and as angry as I am at him I just hope he's happy. *shrugs*

Spoke to bs, kindred and tally today though which is so awesome. have missed being able to just talk with them as well.

*massive hugs* to everyone who's feeling meh, down, lonely, messed up etc. etc. etc.

Have decided there is nothing wrong with wanting a cuddle every now and there is nothing wrong with asking for one.

So. Therefore

*cuddles*

sniffle

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 22:35:52 GMT

Am on the bus now, on my way back to jo'burg and because I can't sleep I shall post before a try popping a sleeping pill.
*sigh* I knew that when I got on this bus I would start crashing on a major scale. So as the bus started leaving I burst into very sniffly rain storm type tears. What made it even worse is that while the bus trundled past athies I see stuart walking up the hill with a friend of his. When they heard the bus coming the turned and looked. Greg carried on walking but stuart watched it leave. It just made me sad really, and was almost symbolic for me at least of how little effort he is willing to put in and the fact that last night he lost something he can never have back again now. There's no chance. I just can't. I deserve someone better, "a decent human being" as tally put it, and someone who puts in just as much effort I did. I just couldn't make him happy, and one of the things I love most is making people happy.

I feel like I've been chewed up and spat out again. As much as the relationship was a good one and for a long time the good outweighed the bad until about the last three or so weeks. I know that the reason he was being a bastard was because he apparently doesnt know if he wants to be in a relationship and as much as he likes me and wants me he doesnt want to be in a relationship. Oh and of course on top of that I get the "and I'm in love with amber" amber is the ex before me. And she apparently got under his skin a lot more than he realized.

So here I sit with a hickey on my neck I desperately want to wash away and the constant question as to why I couldn't make him happy. What amber has to be able to get under his skin after only having been with about a third of how long we were together and he was here for half of it. I just don't get it. I really don't. I know what everyone is probably thinking at the moment and its something along the lines of he doesnt deserve you anyway, and its not my fault he's just a git. Only problem is I'm kinda finding it hard to think that sort of stuff at the moment. I just can't. I know he's broken, and that he doesnt do monogamy well and that he's just a general fuck ups but I didn't think it would be this bad. I probably shouldn't have taken him back the first time.

So here I sit on the greyhound with a really numb bum crying quietly to myself over the git, the fact that I'm not sure what's going to happen next year and because I miss everyone already.

I just wish he'd put the effort in, had been just a little less selfish and towards the end a more decent person.

*cries while trying to remove the brand from her neck*

Excuse my emo-ness just btw as well

So... Like... Ja

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 11:41:45 GMT

So... Like... Ja.

I'm done. I've finished with exams and I'm going home soon. I can't wait but at the same time I just want to stay longer.

I'm not going to get all emo because I need at least one that isn't. So instead I has a to-do-list

Speak to doctors office
Get boxes
Pack up room
Throw shit out
Charge stuff up for the bus trip home
Make sure my father knows when and where to pick me up
Organise holiday job for extra funding towards christmas

The song for the day

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 14:33:26 GMT

Rolling Stones: You Can't Always Get What You Want
(M. Jagger/K. Richards)

"I saw her today at the reception
A glass of wine in her hand
I knew she would meet her connection
At her feet was a footloose man
No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometime you just might find
You get what you need"

There are more words than that but thats just a snippet, I've been listening to it a lot, and trying to keep it in mind.
It keeps me sane, and its an awesome sixties song :D

I should be studying...

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 18:23:58 GMT

I should probably be studying, but keep finding other things to do. This is not a good thing. I will be ready before tomorrow morning though, even if it means I have to stay up all night. I will, I will.

There is no chance I'm not coming back next year. I won't let it happen. I've decided. This place it too much like home, and no matter what my dad says I will come back.

Today has been another emo day. Had what you could call a freak out because of bs leaving and tally going tomorrow and such, it just got me feeling really down, and thinking what if I can't come back next year and I never see any of these people again. :(

Stuart got me a little more cheered though. Another thing is that I don't want to go two months without seeing him. I know it sounds silly but I don't. Except there doesn't seem to be a time when we will be able to see each other unless I can do some serious planning etc.

One pro is that its 18 days until my mommy comes home!! Thats kinda the only thing keeping me going at the moment, and the fact that I may be able to see tally during the vac. I hope so at least.

I guess I'm just feeling meh at the moment because I'm tired of exams and such but still.

I'm seriously thinking about taking up Kindred's offer of staying a little longer and just changing my bus ticket or something, and crashing on his couch so I don't have to deal with my dad and Steph but its probably not a good idea. I have to go home and face the music.

I'm off to try and finish this section before Tally and I go and get phoods. mmmm omnomnomnom.

The full story

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 07:42:35 GMT

So I was just reading the post where I updated everyone and though I should probably fill people in as to what happened with Stuart and I. After he broke up with me he was still chatting to me all day, everyday and it was getting slightly annoying. I didn't know what to think because I still felt like the girlfriend just without the hand holding etc. He was still telling me everything, was still making sure I came to lunch and dinner and was saying things like "I'll see you there" etc. Lets just say with all of that confused Nats was mighty confused.

So then about three weeks after the break up after I've started to go back to normal etc. I decided that I wanted to look pretty, so I blow dried my hair, put make up on, and I felt quite awesome really. Was even having a really nice day avoiding the thoughts of the Psych test that was coming up that night. At dinner while I was talking to everyone Stuart said that he had won some poster type things for a movie called mirrors and everyone that hadn't seen them now had to come and look. This included me. So I went back with the guys, looked at the poster and was chatting to Stuart after the rest of the guys had left and all of a sudden he kissed me. I was caught so off gaurd I almost fell over. So after we hugged and kissed again I was like ok we probably shouldn't have done that and I have to go, seeing as I have a psych test I have to study for and all.

He told me I wasn't allowed to leave yet and pulled me back into his room, hugged me and said something along the lines of "I'm very sorry for putting you through hell for the past few weeks and for hurting you, I made a huge mistake and I know what I want now and what I want is you. Will you take me back?" So after being even more blown away I avoided the question by saying I needed to study for psych. He walked me back and asked if he could see me after the test, I said yes.

The test was an abortion since I was not concentrating one bit and I was caught off guard, but I wasn't really worried about it. So after the test I came home, spoke to Stuart and went to talk to him again. He said all the stuff again basically and then told me I still hadn't answered his question. I asked if it was really what he wanted and that he better not be fucking me around again now and he said he wasn't and then I said yes, fine, I'll take you back. I wasn't going to hold my breath or anything because who knew but still.

A little less than an hour after that, while we were lying together and talking, he told me he loves me. All I could say was "really?!" "really really? seriously?" since its such a big thing for him.

and today is six month anniversary. I hoped it would last longer than it did originally and it did. :)

thats my soppy story for the day. everyone enjoy :D

Red panty brigade

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 07:19:06 GMT

The last few days have been interesting, really interesting. I was basically just working on studying for the histry and getting things on my to-do list done, which I have awesomely enough. I did all my washing, the four loads I had, I studied, my room is now quite clean and everything is being sorted out slowly but surely.

I wrote histry yesterday and it was awesome, fucking awesome even. For at least a week beforehand I'd been having trouble studying because I was so petrified, I'm usually scared when it comes to exams but this time I'm utterly petrified because of my June marks. When I finally got down to learning for the histry though I actually knew half of the stuff already, thanks to the mock exam I think but who knows really. I just knew it, and could spout off random stuff too, the fact that Tally found readings for me really helped as well since they just seemed to put an interesting spin on everything that Cobbing had taught us. I hate Cobbing, for those of you that don't already know. I should have dropped histry too when I had the chance. Strangely enough though now that I enjoyed that exam and think I did ok I may carry on with it next year. I don't particularly want to deal with the pain of cobbing again though. So I'm not really sure.

So I went into the exam yesterday utterly petrified and then ended up knowing at least half of the answers right away. others took me a little longer to answer but in the end there were only three or so I was really clueless about, and thats really not that bad. Well at least I don't think it is.

Was really tired afterwards though and due to Stuart drugging me, with koff medicine, I ended up passing out at 8 last night. I haven't been to bed that early since I was in about grade 7, latest. Which is quite scary, but I realised that the being scared out of my wits had taken so much energy I just couldn't stay awake any longer and being scared out of my wits was kinda stupid too since I think I ended up doing ok anyway and it wasn't that scary. However as it is a Pace tradition of sorts I'm going to say that it was all to do with the red panties! Wear them and you end up doing just fine. :D

The spam smses my mom sent me before the exam also helped and I think most of all it was Tally and bs. They both told me I could do it, got me motivated about histry and got me feeling a little less scared. Its nice to know that I'm not the only person that gets so scared about failing exams that you just can't work. Tally and I are very similar with some things, its quite scary. She and bs are like big sisters for me though so it seems almost normal as well. Just one question though. Am I allowed to trade in the biological sister for both of them? I would much rather have them than Steph on most days. Especially since I talk to them more in a day than I talk to Steph on like a month. *sigh*

Oh well. I had a good 11 hours sleep last night too which was nice, woke up just before breakfast this morning and felt quite bouncy which isn't usual for me in the morning so I'm impressed. Went to breakfast and saw my panda (Stuart) before he went off to write his exam. Its out six month anniversary thingy bobby today. I never have been good with such things so it doesn't really feel like a big deal for me. Maybe I'm just strange like that since for other people it is. *shrugs* as long as I get some cuddles today at some point I'll be happy. Oh and a R25 guinea pig from the pet store :D

I've decided that the only problem with waking up so early is that I get bored. I don't really know what to do, I can't sit and chat online all day. I'm already far too high up on the stats list. I know I should be studying but at this time in the morning I really don't feel like it. Especially not after yesterday. I'll study this afternoon or a little later.

The ultimate question now is however, what to do for the next few hours. hmmm I will have to decide

*crawls off to find something to do*

sigh

Thu, 30 Oct 2008 19:33:06 GMT

Right. So I'm back once again and updating again after taking a long vacation from spilling my heart out to the interwebz. I don't think this little vac was such a good idea since I never actually realised how much talking about stuff really helps. Even if it doesn't make sense and its just me typing out random shit and being irrational.

I don't remember exactly what has happened since my last post, except that I've written two pretty shitty psych tests, I think I completely failed the one. Can't be certain though. Well I could but that would entail going up to the department and facing the fact that I may just suck at psych and uni in general.

So yeah at the moment I'm kind of having self esteem issues when it comes to the whole intelligence matter. I don't think my grey matter is actually existant anymore. I know I used to be smart. I don't really know what happened but I'm not really smart anymore. Well I don't feel like I am rather. Who actually knows. So yes, on top of the psych tests that were complete abortions I've had many assignments to hand in and essays to re-write because I apparently plagiarised. I did all of that got it all in and then ended up getting a DPR email from the history dep. saying basically sorry for you but you can't write the November exam, and of course being as high strung as I am at the moment I immediately burst into tears and give up on the fact that I have to write a test that night too. I mean really. What is it with me and getting good, bad or shocking news an hour and a half before I go and write a psych test, the time before last it was Stuart jumping me and kissing me, apologising and asking if I would have him back and this time it was me losing a DP for who knows why. After babyshoes cheered me up a little and got me to "compartmentalise" things as she puts it I went off to hopefully not fail the test. Who knows if I did or not.

The next day I went off and faught with the histry department to try and get my DP back, turns out they seemed to have lost track of me, didn't even know about the plagiarism thing and thought I hadn't handed in one essay and the other was just late. Fucking departments I mean really. They think students are stupid? I got it back but thats not the point!! *angry face*

This week I've also been feeling like Stuart has been distancing himself from me, I'm not really sure why but I seem to have just been pushed into the background. He's been talking to me less than he did for the three weeks we were broken up. I don't know why. I'm probably just being irrational.

Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself, I should probably follow some sort of time line. Although the distancing thing has something to do with it. On top of the distancing, and the loss of DPs and then getting them back again I got sick. I somehow got teh aids as they say online. It started on saturday after I had an amazing breakdown at the rat and ended up watching the sharks vs. bulls game in tears and then got worse while I played guitar hero with Tally, bs, kindred, Ryan and Mark. I was then confined to bed by the distant d0bBy which made me feel even worse since I like being looked after but hate staying in bed sick, just ask my mom.

Then swot week arrived, yes, I'm almost done with my pity party and catch up, and I haven't really done much studying. Although I was quite popular on sunday. I got a call from all my friends back home, my mom, my dad and my sister. All I really have to say on that one is that I really miss my family back home (family being my friends that is) and that dads suck in comparison to mommies. My mom is all the way in the uk and it costs her a fortune to phone and she said she would phone again next sunday before I start and that I was to make sure I had airtime so that when she smses to ask about each exam, because she has all the dates in her diary, I can reply. My father on the other hand says "well if I don't speak to you before you start have fun, and good luck, I'll see you when you come home." :O omg is all I have to say to that. it costs him almost nothing to phone and yet I speak to him not even an 8th as much as I talk to my mom, in any form whatsoever. Dads suck.

So yes

Swot week then came and has somehow gone without me getting much work done, having a relapse on the self harm side and just generally freaking out even more. I have at least worked a little and I'm all caught up with notes and such so all I have to really do now is buckle down.

Today was quite interesting because I had an amazing freak out that started with me sitting at lunch in a stupor basically and then walking back with Stuart and having a freak out at him. I said all the stuff about the distancing and grumped at him quite impressively, refused any idea he had and then walked away and collapsed in a heap crying, he gave up and walked away not knowing what to do with me. After pulling myself together enough to see straight through tears I went to Smuts found Stuart and asked for help. As he says I never do and need to. Its quite strange I guess. I hate asking for help but love giving help. I'll give someone help anyday, but asking for help is another thing entirely. So I ended up lying on his bed and crying my eyes out and telling him stuff and him suggesting things and just cuddling me. It really did help. He helps I guess. I know I can live without him but on the other hand its nice knowing I have someone I can ask for help and it won't bug him because he wants me to and telling him stuff doesn't end up hurting him. Even if we're having a fight about us or something.

I never really realised how scared I was of hurting people before this year. I would rather die than hurt my mom for example, so I don't tell her stuff because I'm so worried about that. I don't know. I guess I've just had a fucked up year in general.

Things on the to-do-list at the moment are:

STUDY
Do washing
Update reading for Soc and everything else
Make another appointment with the counselling centre
Organise a time with Drift to learn histry together
Return library books

Thats about it so far really. I will get it all done. I will I will.

I think the thing that has sparked me off this week, on top of the fact that exams are coming and I'm more petrified of them than I've ever been in my life, I don't know what I'll do if I fail. Is that its my mom's birthday today. Its the first time in 18 years that I haven't been with her to open presents and to make her happy. The first time I haven't been woken up at six in the morning to open presents around the kitchen table and one of the first times in five years where she and I haven't gone to the only kosher milky lane in the world and had waffles for birthday without my sister. If there was a milky lane in town I would be sitting there now having a waffle and probably crying into my chocolate milkshake. Thats one of the reasons I decided not to go and have a waffle at Wimpy today. After my amazing freak out I didn't think it would be a good idea.

Oh and I forgot, I also got summoned by the Soc dep. because they seem to have lost track of me too, I swear, one day I'm going to burn all of them down. That wasn't really a tragedy though because the woman I had to see (Babalwa) is really very nice actually and said she would fix it and I didn't have to worry. At least they didn't take my DP away for their fuck up this time. *sigh*

So yes. Thats the end of my catch up and the tales and tragedies of my sorry little life.

Tune in tomorrow for another update on all the trials and tribulations that are... DUM DUM DUM!!!!!! part of the life of Nats.

Yes I'm in a drama mood today. Kill me :P

Oh and if anyone can think of an inexpensive way of dehairing the usual parts of a woman's body, like legs, that doesn't involve a razor let me know because I'm over them and have no idea :D

Ow

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 16:39:37 GMT

*sigh*

So the shitty weekend from hell got just slightly better last night when I spent a good five hours or so with Kindred, Babyshoes and tally1302 playing board games. Well just one board game really. Dungeonquest! It's a really awesome game actually. A bit like Dungeons and Dragons (yes, yes I know, the geekery of it) but it seems better to me :). There was much laughing and all that sort of stuff which was awesome and then a BP run. Those are always fun. Got home at about half past one I think and watched movies and ate junkfood. Peona is Koening is really quite hilarious. Thanks bs :)

Then my back started hurting. I'm not really sure why. Its still bloody sore actually. Right in the middle of my back, got Rozz to stand on it for me earlier and it helped a little but not much. So now I don't really know what to do, pain meds aren't really helping.

I of course am going to blame the person who has featured in almost every single post of mine so far. Stuart. I just can't stop thinking about him, and not really in a good way. Meh. Its irritating. Problem is I don't really know how to stop, I've tried all sorts of things to stop but hey. Its just not happening.

Today was also filled with all sorts of panic attackey type things and asthma attacks. Its been fun!

At least the weekend has gotten better. I also have a certain weekend to look forward too and a suprise for tally1302 that I can't wait to give her. :D

*does an excited little jig* even though I'm sore and feeling down about the whole Stuart thing (as per usual) the shitty weekend from hell definately got a little better today. Not much but a slight improvement is always good.